TWO BIRDS ONE STONE! U.S. Military Eliminates COVID-19 and Unemployment in Texas by Nuking Entire State — Now With REAL News

“I am pleased to announce that the number of COVID-19 cases in the state of Texas is precisely zero,” said Governor Gary R. Talbot at a press conference in Washington, D.C.

“That’s fantastic news, but there’s more. Our projections indicate the rate of new COVID-19 cases will be zero for at least the next three thousand years.”

He paused for applause from the small crowd of gathered military brass.

“Furthermore,” he added, “As an additional benefit to the recent action, the unemployment rate in Texas is also now zero.”

U.S. Air Force Colonel Tobias K. Blormpf next took the podium. “Thank you, governor. I can confirm, pursuant to your request, the Fourteenth Wing of the U.S. Air Force Bomber Division, has… and pardon my French… nuked the living fuck out of all Texas.”

Talbot began the media Q and A segment already defensive.

“It’s a shame the liberal media is focusing on the millions of people dead,” said Talbot. “Here in Texas, we do things our own way. We don’t expect anyone else to understand. Look at the benefits. No other state has a COVID-19 new case rate of zero. None.”