OFFENSE TAKEN! Time Traveler From the Future Disgusted by Every Single Aspect of Present Life — Now With REAL News

It was just another boring bureaucratic meeting at the United Nations. Boring, that is, until a huge explosion ripped across the speaker’s platform. In an instant, the unoccupied stage was covered in a bluish cloud, gold bolts of lightning crackling from inside it.

When the smoke cleared, a silver-skinned human figure stood atop the platform. The being appeared naked, but lacked genitals and nipples. Like an inflatable sex doll for the asexual.

“Call this part Zorg Alpha One,” the being said. “From the future, over five thousand years from now. Specifically, the year 419 X.D.E. This part is here to examine this time and see if the stories are true. Are humans from this time barbaric and primitive? This part trends optimist and believes the species is enlightened.”

By the end of the being’s introduction, U.N. Security Forces had converged on the scene in full armor, guns drawn. The being waved its hand and the weapons turned to dust.

“Exclamation!” Zorg said. “Already this part is deeply disturbed. This incident registers as a data point in favor of the hypothesis that humanity was once a frightened species quick to violence. So primitive!”