MOURNING IN AMERICA! Military Industrial Complex Flies Flags at Half-Mast to Remember Profits Gone By — Now With REAL™ News!

The executive boardroom at Global Dominance Corporation International was somber and subdued. Outside the monolith corporate headquarters of the defense contractor, an array of two dozen American flags were flying at half-mast.

“Remember September 12, 2001? When the nation came together and gave us a blank check?” said CEO Wilbur X. McKraken. “What a wonderful time it was! They were hurling money at us. Profits soared. Best year of my career then.”

The executive team sighed wistfully.

“Yeah, true,” sighed CFO Sarah J. Feldstammer. “They were like, here ya go, kids, go crazy. Murder tons of people in revenge. Go invade somewhere. Park the whole damn military there for decades. We don’t care who, just do something, and do it for good long time. We leveraged not one, but TWO land wars out of 9/11. That’s some serious cash. I bought a third yacht that year.”

Chief Lobbyist Gordon G. Burton wiped a tear from his cheek, smearing his bronzer tan.

“I barely had to work those latter months of 2001. Senators always come cheap, but back then, they came almost free. Usually I’d bribe ’em with cash, maybe pay for a visit from a pre-teen hooker…