HISTORIC OLYMPICS! Ignorami Break Sprinting Speed Records Racing to Issue First Dumb Criticism of Simone Biles — Now With REAL News

The news shocked the Olympic and gymnastic world.

Simone Biles, the once-in-a-generation elite athlete had withdrawn from competing further in the Tokyo 2020 Olympic games, citing mental health reasons. (full story)

Fans were stunned. They would not get to see the heavily gold-medaled gymnast compete on the world stage.

Olympic watchers were disappointed.

But there was a silver lining in the gray cloud. Olympics enthusiasts got to see world-record-breaking sprints, as cranky culture warriors around the world raced to be the first to release dumb criticism of Ms. Biles.

“It’s always best to be first,” said Fred Shabiro, stumbling across his basement in an awkward dash to reach his podcasting microphone. He would have been the clear winner, the first to issue a dumb comment, except he had to catch his breath.

“Damn,” he gasped. “Just a few steps and I’m winded,” he said, before issuing his criticism of a woman who can launch herself into the air twice her height. While doing flips.

Shabiro was in a dead heat with Schumker Jaarlsen, a leading TV pundit and trust-fund kid who…