DAMNED ON DEMAND! Networks Split News Channels into Genres Catering to Fear, Despair, Hatred, Lunacy, and Doom — Now With REAL News

“It was only a matter of time,” said Miranda Weaver, Chief Marketing Officer of Standard Comm Corp (SCC). SCC is one of the largest owners of broadcast news networks. She was addressing their decision to split their single news channel into several sub-channels.

“Entertainment networks have been doing it for a while,” she said. “There are movie channels for Westerns, Sci-Fi, Romance, Thriller, Mystery, etc. To cater to every taste. It’s time news networks caught up.”

“Now, viewers can customize their news for their preferred negative emotions. Instead of one-size-fits-all depressing outlook, consumers can choose how to feel bad.”

“Some folks prefer their news be about armed zealots. For them, there’s the Fear channel. Others like to train their attention on paranoid, self-contradicting conspiracy theories. For them, we offer Lunacy. For those addicted to the adrenaline rush of Hatred, we’ve got a channel for them, too.”

“Big Data is a huge help. We’re collecting so much information on people, we are better at predicting their behavior than they are. And if that scares you, try our Doom channel.”