Basic Grammar and Spelling Errors Obscure Intent of Death Threats — Now With REAL News

“I wish people would learn to spell,” said Mike Kelvitt.

Kelvitt works as an unpaid intern for Congressperson Sarah Penning. His job is to tabulate and filter constituent communications, responding when appropriate.

“Sounds easy, right?” he said. “But Rep Penning gets a lot of weird emails. Here’s an example. One line.”

YOUR DEAD SUCK MY COCK

Kelvig shrugged. “Is it a poem? A haiku? Heavy metal lyrics?” he asked. “But why send that? Maybe he’s looking for zombie porn? I’m sure there’s a site that offers that, but gross.”

He shrugged, marked a tally on his tablet and began typing.

“When I’m not sure what to do,” he said, “I send the standard response. Thank you for contacting my office. Always glad to hear from you. Blah blah blah.”

He clicked to the next email then banged his fist on his desk. “And here’s another one.”

YOU’RE KIND OUR NOTWWELCOM HEAR

“What the hell does that mean? Does ‘your kind’ mean ‘people similar to you?’ Or did he mean to use the contraction? ‘You are kind.’ But then what’s the rest of it? Are now welcome here? That’s nice. Or did he put in ‘not’ but forgot to take it out…